Time waits for no one.

This phrase has exceptionally entered my mind

ever since the start of the year.

I am certain that you notice the changes happening,

the wind blowing in a opposite direction.

It seems to me that i'm waiting for a miracle that never happens.

Comparing against the previous year and the present,

I must admit that I revered you.

In retrospective to the times we had,

did it bring back any of the fun we had?

Despite the distance between us now,

I tried to add spice to the relationship

i'm desperately trying to salvage.

We once swore to each other that we would continuously

live and see each other in our own future lives.

But now,

I wonder if that promise or pact we made still exists.

The displeasure we had between us,

I want all of them to be erased from our minds.

Even though I know that the hurt and irritation still exists in our minds,

isn't our relationship worth much more than that?

Feelings are like delicate petals on a rose,

every single petal represents different feelings.

Slowly,

the flower wilts,

does that signifies the end of emotions and feelings?

Those delicate soft petals slowly drop off from the bud,

leaving behind the core.

Nothing to defend or to protect it,

what would happen if the wind blows hard?

I bet it wouldn't be able to withstand the strong force.

A small slight force is able to it bring down,

does that imply to the fact of bringing a person down also?

Enclosing myself in a shield,

unaware of the world happening outside of my little world,

protected by my strong shield,

just like the petals shielding the bud from the cold.

Like always,

nothing will uphold its strength forever,

one day,

it will crumble into dust.

Just like my feelings crumbling away into dust,

taken away by the cold wind that sweeps the area.

I find myself having difficulties regaining my position,

not wanting to wake up to reality when it hits me time after time.

One part of me telling me to take it easy and let it go.

Another saying that I would be stupid to let it go that easily.

I am already growing weary of my surroundings,

this time you open me up to see the outside world with a new perspective.

Am I making the correct or wrong choice again?

Realisation dawned on me,

I woke up to find reality hitting me hard,

crushing me forward with its ghastly timing.

Its like receiving my sentence from the jury.

Waking up to find myself throwing my head back

into the opening comfort of my pillow.

Unfortunately,

like always,

I have to face the music.

When will I ever return to my world full of hopes and dreams?

Those days seem so far away,

like they were someone else's life I shouldn't interfere.

This process can be so excruciating,

its abusing the strength in me.

How can life be so unfair?

I have been living in a facade all along.

Under this pretend mask I hold in my hand,

I felt I can overcome anything in this world.

But ever since you entered through the door,

you slowly stripped off the pretense I held beneath me.

Bit by bit,

cover after cover.

Slowly, nothing left but a batch of fresh new scars,

waiting to be burnt again.

I had organised my pack of lies,

ready to cover up for any mistakes I made.

Why do you have to rip them apart like paper?

Those freshly burnt scars still sting,

those faded marks left still bring back haunted memories,

Luckily for me,

that mask sticks securely onto my face.

Never will it come down,

never will I have to reveal the true person behind it.

Confusion and lies fits the description perfectly.

They say love is a beautiful feeling.

A feeling that words cannot describe the beauty of its power

They say love also brings pain.

The crushing sensation sweeps the feet of every being.

They say love is only temporary,

that everything will go away sooner or later.

Like a sweet tender hum of a lullaby I will slowly forget.

But no,

love brings back different feelings all at once.

The laughter we experienced,

the fustrations we controlled.

I may not be able to tell you face to face

because I know those words will never come out of my mouth

once I see you staring at me.

Your words usually lift my spirits.

But some of them bring me down.

The thought of you leaving kills me again.

But then again,

thinking back to my past,

I survived those days without you.

On the surface, I should be able to carry on.

But how could I?

How could I when I have grown accustomed to your presence??

Life can be so ironic.

You try to please someone so badly,

without thinking that you will be letting down another.

Overall,

you still find yourself at a loss.

Its like casting jewels before the swine.

In the midst of satisfying someone else's needs,

you neglect another wants.

It just irks me.

As ironic it can be,

you find yourself wearing a mask all the time.

You take in the pleasure of seeing one enjoying,

you take in the complaints from another.

You step forward,

confront the situation.

Sadly,

that does not seem to be the case here.

These same mistakes are continuously recurring

like a broken tape recorder that cannot be fixed

which replays the same tune all over again.

The despondent you would try to figure out what went wrong,

and what should I do to please the person you did wrong.

The "bonafied" statement they gave me,

I don't know if I can even label it as a de facto or a another lie.

You can't blame someone when they have doubts.

Especially when he or she doesn't want to be in the position

whereby humiliating oneself on front of many

and most importantly you.

She doesn't want to land up in the same defenseless situation

and most definitely not want to lose control over her emotions.

No one likes to see someone breaking down,

going head over heels for someone who is not even possible to start with.

One will continue delude herself with illusions and lies

to cover up for the hurt and sorrow inside of her.

Its a state of bliss that you will think

that you were dreaming the whole way through your life.

The pain and sorrow inside has been so great that

you can mistake it for a occasional feeling.

Since time took over all that is moving,

all i had to do was to trail after it.

Simple questions but no answers.

You experiencing this feeling with no reasons,

leaves me with suspicion.

I almost regard it as a lie or a joke.

No reasons or explanations to back up what you say.

How do you expect me to believe you?

I don't want to fool myself,

let alone embarrass myself in front of you.

Like you said,

suspicion is part and parcel of life.

Your words may contradict the truth hidden deep within you.

All these years,

no one,

not even you,

has brought forth this change in me.

I don't know what spurred this on,

how it even started.

But one thing I know for certain,

an absence of faith blows past.

The hollowness deep within me,

simply cannot be put into words.

This neglected feeling,

is something new and out of the blue.

Its like i'm neither here nor there,

my empty spirit floating down the halls of my life.

Without a goal or purpose in life,

that's all I am ever good at,

that's all I am ever able to achieve.

Everywhere I go,

another memory haunts me,

eyeing for any weaknesses its able to get back at me.

Leaving me with a vast ocean of darkness,

with its inky alluring depths,

waiting to drag me further into the abyss.